Posted by Pierson's Porter follows his own advice and posts an all-new, all-thrilling adventure! on August 04, 2000 at 19:34:26:
Improbably Not: The Story of Mr. Anderson Pollock
Chapter Three: The Encounterers
“Moooooo!” is not a sound that is not normally associated with terror.
As Colonel Blachford Bertram, his sentient blade, Knifey, and Dr. Hakenfakir are rapidly finding out, the Witz farm is no normal house of agriculture.
The cows had escaped, which is generally not difficult to rectify.
But these were monster cows, and they don’t like being herded.
Bertram had taken a horse and was making the best use of his Calvary training. He deftly maneuvered between the bestial bovines, slashing with Knifey as he went.
“I say there, Doctor! I realize you Hindu types worship these buggers, but any help that you provide would be most appreciated!” Bertram taunted.
Apparently the six cows that Dr. Hakenfakir had downed with his powerful cane wasn’t up to snuff with the Colonel’s four.
The Doctor from India chose to ignore it and continue with the fight.
In the next five minutes twelve more beasts fell, but it became clear that their efforts were not going to be enough.
Dr. Hakenfakir attempted an informal estimate. There were at least a hundred.
The Hoodoo mystic gave a good, firm blast at five cows that were over-powering the Colonel.
“Crikey! There are a lot of the buggers! The bounders ate my horse!” Bertram complained.
It was hard for the doctor to hear him over the blood-curdling moos.
David Witz, now the sole proprietor of the farm ran out with a cattle prod.
“Cows! Stop this! Please!”
The cows converged on him and Hakenfakir lost sight of him.
“They seem to have lost interest in us!” Bertram observed.
They began to wade through the cow patch, mindful of the spikes adorning the bovines.
“This really isn’t working!” the doctor concluded.
Then there was a brilliant flash of light and the smell of a mediocre steakhouse.
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There was absolutely no light.
It is an odd sensation to be completely without light, few people ever truly experience it.
Fortunately for Hagatha Darkness, she was not entirely reliant on the first five senses.
Unfortunately, she was in pain and suddenly gripped with fear.
The Killer was still ten feet away, but she could feel the blade. It was long and curved and very, very sharp.
She probed with her mystic senses and only found a dark chasm of fear and hate. A black void without rival. And three words.
Hagatha was afraid. Truly afraid. Normally she was loath to scream like a common damsel in distress. But now she gave a loud roar of pure fear.
Unfortunately for her, her noise was swallowed into the darkness and rescue from passers by was quite unlikely.
There was absolutely no light.
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Sir Mumphrey Wilton walked down the streets of New Parodiopolis with a lot on his mind.
There was a killer out there. Right now. A whore snuffer apparently attacking women of respectable stature. One who left his victims full of maggots.
As he passed a particularly dark alley he thought he heard a distant, pained moo.
“Must be near a slaughter house,” he thought to himself.
He considered going to the library to check on Hagatha, but reconsidered after deciding what she’d do to him.
Wilton reached the docks and saw the still under construction Port Master’s building that Leyland Reed was building. He noted the irony of such a gloomy building for the head of maritime.
“’Spose I’d best just return to the mansion and wait for Blanchy and Hakenfakir to return,” he decided.
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“Er.. good show there, Doctor! …uh…sorry about that cow worshipping comment, earlier…” Bertram said nervously.
“I did not do this,” the Doctor replied.
The Doctor was upset by the sight of a field full of charred monster cows.
He saw that David Witz was rising, holding his head.
“The cows really weren’t a good idea,” he mumbled to himself.
The Doctor silently began to treat his wounds.
The Colonel had begun to wipe the blood off Knifey, but saw Witz and reconsidered.
“Now then, Mr. Witz. I do hope not to get Knifey here all filthy again… but I’m certainly willing to. Explain the cows. Quickly.”
“I… Look, I… Oh, Debbie… My wife… she loved the animals. But, she had other interests, too… like taking over the world. She thought that she could combine her hobbies… so she dregs me out to Chinatown to meet this Devilish Doctor fellow. We have to go out there several times… never to the same warehouse and never at the same time.
“For a substantial price he gives us special feed. In a month they go from normal cows to… those. They loved her… she was the only one who could keep them calm… they really hate me. But now she’s gone.”
“Mr. Witz… did the cows kill your wife?” the Doctor asked lightly.
“Oh no, I’m sure of that. They loved her… that horrible doctor said that they would be loyal to her… they were designed to be. And one day… they got our cat…it was gruesome… but completely different than… when she found out about the cat she was so mad! She ran out there and yelled like I never heard before. And they understood… perfectly.”
“Hmm… interesting. Makluan… don’t see that everyday,” a voice said from behind them.
Bertram and Hakenfakir spun around.
A man neither recognized was kneeling but a cow corpse. He pointed a machine at it, like those that the EccentricEtherInvestigatorInventor! used, but much, much smaller, and he read a screen on its surface.
“Now just who the devil are you?” Colonel Bertram demanded.
“I’m the man who saved you. The name’s Pollock, Anderson Pollock,” the stranger replied.